TW3 … and herding teh kittehs*

July 3rd, 2009

Ever felt like you’re trying to push a rope — tangled and frustrated with an impossible task? Everything is loosey-goosey in these last few days, nothing quite ‘cooked.’ I’ve tried to grab a single subject and explore it, but to no avail — rounding up the news is like this Toles ‘toon [a comment on Franken's win after EIGHT LONG MONTHS.] We’re in flux, moving forward, backward and sideways, all at once and at light speed, so here are some of the disjointed bits that make up the fabric of the moment.

Franken is, indeed, finally getting his passport out of Minnesota and onto the Hill; he inherits the Paul Wellstone seat, and it seems appropriate for the man who wrote Rush Limbaugh Is A Big Fat Idiot. His vote, including the Independents that caucus with the Left, will make 60 — the ironclad number that has the ability to stop opposition filibuster cold. Now Mary Landrieu and Olympia Snow will no longer be those whose moves we have to watch, but rather, the Blue Dogs … led by Ben Nelson who never met a corporation he didn’t cozy to.

Joe Biden has gone to Iraq to help push a homogeneous democratic agenda with the Kurds, Shi’ia and Sunni; they had their own Independence Day celebration with fireworks this week, as the US presence faded from their cities; but we’re still there, of course. They have a newly minted police force, no air defense and limited resolve; these are important baby steps, but baby steps still. I’ve always thought this handover was going to be very very messy, a bloody sorting of internal power. We shall see.

The Brit/American coalition are surging all over the place in Afghanistan, attempting to seize control of the border area that is conduit for opiates and most recent breeding ground for Taliban activity. Not many of us are happy about this … but in terms of this ‘enemy,’ reports today indicate that the Taliban are buying children to use for suicide bombings which puts this in perspective. It’s nuclear Pakistan we’re in struggle for, as much as anything; and radical terrorism we’re routing. This may not be the way of the future, but … it’s the way of the day. Keep prayers.

California is issuing IOU’s again; they did this briefly in 1992. They had already issued IOU’s for state tax returns; it’s unclear what happens next, except that the first to feel the heat will be those with the least. This worries me, personally; too many of my loved ones are California dreamers, and its still that place of my birth where … whenever I return … my body relaxes, my mind clears and my soul dances. It’s a vibrational thing. Hang in there, kids — we’re pulling for ya.

And you’d think the LAPD would have cleaned up its act after OJ — LA isn’t Mississippi or Louisiana, fumbling and bumbling in CYA-style due to its old bias and kick-backs; but it never seems to get it right, either. So Michael Jackson’s death investigation is now being scrutinized by the DEA. My take on the whole of it is in the weekly; Joe Jacksons can be found in this Telnaes ‘toon. Pity — it was always about ‘property’ with Joe.

Governor Mark Sanford of South Carolina simply can’t shut his yap about his personal peccadillo’s, jonesing for his share of press coverage, and causing Jon Stewart to skewer him: “God killed Michael Jackson to save your ass — and you gave another interview?!?” Colbert couldn’t let the moment pass either, connecting the dots in this brilliant bit.

Nico Pitney is still doing a splendid job collecting bits and pieces about the situation in Iran; here’s today’s. In a display of police state belligerency, the courts are going to try the UK embassy staff — if what Iran wanted was international respect, they’ve done exactly the wrong thing. Here, you’ll find a [tragic and difficult to read] article about their idea of ‘interrogation — of course we’ve lost our moral high ground on this; and perhaps the fact that we’re all insufferable predators levels the playing field. Maybe we can’t come together to Just Say No to brutality until we realize that each of us is infected with power-hunger and death culture and must, together, make the choices that leads to life and love. That can’t come too soon.

Matt Taibbi gets my nomination for Most Ballsy Newsie of the year with his Rolling Stone exposé of Goldman-Sachs; the money game is a killer deserving of lethal injection. The last article in this short collection is spoof, a cartoon on the condition of our greed, taken to end-game; one stop shopping on life/death — it might have been an Onion offering.

And while I’m giving you links to Big Reads, here’s the Vanity Fair piece on Sarah Palin; both Matt’s and this one are too large to include here. It has a great graphic and started an internal war in the GOP; well … internal to the whiny finger-pointers that are left anyhow.

To round out the picture, Cynthia McKinney is locked up in Israeli prison with a Nobel Peace laureate, the Tea Baggers evidently don’t have a will or way for another uprising, and certainly not a cogent point to make — and regarding the Winship piece below about whose state government is craziest, I’m entering one of Missouri’s own in the race for Queen of the Callow — even faux-Pub Colbert couldn’t own this one; I’ll bet she didn’t even see the [little yellow] bus that hit her!

Interesting and amusing stuff today, as herded cats go, and the links are worth exploring if your Fourth is shaping up like mine, with the early heat giving way to thunderstorms to dampen our proceedings. This is our new pattern for the last few years and I’ve rationalized that at least we have fewer fires from the incessant fireworks that start in late June and last most of July … there are stands about every half mile around here so there’s already late night color and sound. Lots of cities can’t afford displays this year, though … I see that Tucson has cancelled their annual fireworks and that really caught me up short; that was always my favorite event in the [long] heat-season.

I don’t know how the Patch’s traditional display will work out, done on donation basis. Unimpressive, I’d predict. Still, I’m working the Democratic booth at the village fair tomorrow and I’d prefer not to do it holding an umbrella. Here’s hoping there’s better weather from the observation deck of Lady Liberty’s crown, opened for the first time since 9/11.

Happy Independence Day, Wavers — be safe, of course, and grateful that this year, after the last depressingly grim eight, the intent to create a saner world … even in fits and starts … is finally on America’s To-Do List again.

Jude

* with a nod to Cheeseburger/LOLCATS

Harpers Weekly Review

Iraq held its first National Sovereignty Day in honor of
the withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraqi cities. A
celebration was held with poets and singers in Baghdad’s
al-Zawraa park and former Vice President Dick Cheney said
that he was worried that the withdrawal would “waste all
the tremendous sacrifice that has gotten us to this
point.” Two hundred Iraqis were killed or wounded in the
last ten days of June. A federal court judge in New York
City sentenced Bernard Madoff to 150 years in prison,
calling Madoff “extraordinarily evil” and noting that none
of the financier’s family members, friends, or associates
had pleaded for leniency on his behalf. Honduran President
Manuel Zelaya was exiled to Costa Rica by the military as
part of a coup d’etat under the direction of the Honduran
Supreme Court; he was replaced by Roberto Michelletti, who
took power in what he called “an absolutely legal
transition process.” Steve Jobs returned to Apple with a
new liver. Google CEO Eric Schmidt said that attempts by
governments to censor the Internet were futile, and that
governments censored “at their own peril.” The New York
Times revealed that, for seven months, it had sought to
keep news of the kidnapping of one of its reporters by the
Taliban out of the media, and had worked closely with
Wikipedia founder Jimmy Wales to suppress news of the
kidnapping. Spanish fertility researchers advised
professional cyclists to freeze their sperm, and the
sheriff of Los Angeles County was considering whether to
distribute condoms to all L.A. jail inmates, rather than
just the gay ones.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford, after going missing
for a week, returned home and announced that, instead of
hiking the Appalachian Trail, he had actually been in
Buenos Aires, where he had a girlfriend, to whom he once
wrote in an email: “Sleep soundly knowing that despite the
best efforts of my head my heart cries out for you, your
voice, your body, the touch of your lips.” Sanford
justified his continuing role as the state’s executive by
noting that Biblical philanderer King David didn’t
resign. Papal archaeologists in Rome authenticated the
bones of Saint Paul the Apostle, and a new cell-phone ring
tone that features Philip Roth’s “Jewish shouting” was
growing popular among the literary-minded. Born-again
Christians, dispensing Bibles, were arrested at a Gay
Pride festival in Minneapolis; a parishioner at Our Lady
of Hope Catholic Church in Carle Place, New York, was
arrested for stealing cash from another worshipper during
a Sunday service; and an Australian ewe gave birth to a
five-legged, six-footed lamb. The U.S. government was
working to protect ugly animals from extinction. Colorado
officials legalized rainwater. Toyota unveiled a
wheelchair steering system that can be directly controlled
by a human brain.

The Guardian Council of Iran announced that its partial
recount of the recent presidential election showed “no
major irregularities.” A spokesman for the Council stated
that the “results were positive.” Tasmanian wallabies were
eating opium poppies, getting high, and running around,
causing crop circles. Scientists at Stanford University
succeeded in “infecting” mice with a virus that made them
highly sensitive to light, and actress Farrah Fawcett
died, as did entertainer Michael Jackson and noted TV
pitchman Billy Mays, spokesman for OxiClean and Kaboom, a
cleaner that “put the power back in your shower.” Russia
refused to cooperate in a lawsuit brought by Hasidic Jews
claiming rights over sacred documents that were seized by
the Nazis and are currently held in the Russian State
Library. A new “Indiana Jones” movie was in
development. The U.S. Supreme Court determined “reverse
discrimination” to be unconstitutional, thereby permitting
the fire department of the city of New Haven, Connecticut,
to promote more white men to positions of authority. A
Tennessee man was charged with sexual exploitation for
Photoshopping the faces of little girls (two local girls,
and Miley Cyrus) onto the bodies of nude adult women, and
a child porn stash was found in the sewer drain of a
public bathroom in Saginaw, Michigan, but the images were
too damaged by fecal matter for authorities to use in an
investigation. Cosmetic nipple surgery was on the rise in
England, seagulls off Argentina were attacking whales and
eating their skin, and Latvians, asked to provide
collateral for loans of up to 500 lats, were offering
their eternal souls (must be previously unmortgaged).

– Theodore Ross
http://harpers.org/archive/2009/06/WeeklyReview2009-06-30

My State Legislature’s Crazier than Yours. Oh Yeah?
Michael Winship, Smirking Chimp
July 3, 2009

California should just be done with it and rename the entire state “Neverland Ranch.”

This serves several useful purposes. It would be the ultimate tribute to Michael Jackson, pleasing his most ardent and bereft fans. Further validate the state’s Cloud Cuckoo, fairy tale reputation, thus probably promoting additional, revenue-generating tourism. Stand as an accurate metaphor for the state government’s airheaded inability to cope with its current financial disaster.

On Wednesday, Governor Schwarzenegger announced that California’s deficit has grown to $26.3 billion and proposed billions of additional cuts to education. He declared a fiscal emergency, triggering an automatic 45-day deadline for the state legislature to come up with a plan to cover the shortfall and balance the budget. If that fails, they’re banned from considering any other legislation until they come up with a solution.

Arnold also signed an executive order forcing the state’s 220,000 employees to take a third, unpaid furlough day every month. This, after weeks of failed proposals, threatened vetoes, political contortionism, suspended social programs - a fiscal train wreck of such proportions that on Thursday the state planned on starting to pay its bills with IOU’s instead of cash.

It’s “an institutional breakdown,” according to State Treasurer Bill Lockyer, a Democrat.

Lockyer has called for professional mediation to unjam talks between legislators and Governor Terminator, and even a two-tiered budget system that would raise taxes and allot resources differently for different parts of the state.

That may sound crazy, but this is California. Besides, we in New York State are in no position to cast stones. Our State Senate has degenerated into a slaphappy free-for-all that resembles a drunken demolition derby more than anything remotely like a deliberative body.

On June 8, two Democratic state senators, both of whom are under investigation on an assortment of charges, defected to the other side of the aisle, giving the Republicans a 32-30 majority. Then one of the Democrats changed what was left of his mind and went back, creating a 31-31 split and deadlock.

Under normal circumstances, the lieutenant governor, who also serves as Senate president, could break a tie. But currently, we don’t have one of those. David Paterson had the job until he was elevated to the top spot when Governor Eliot Spitzer was caught engaged in commercialized bedhopping and resigned.

Last month’s legislative coup has led to name-calling, accusations, general inertia and circumstances under which, among other assorted wackiness, the guy who the Republicans say is the current Senate president has claimed that because there is no lieutenant governor, he should have two votes.

Because neither side can come up with the requisite 32 members for a quorum, the Senate disintegrated into a series of alternating, one-party sessions during which nothing could be accomplished. Although on Tuesday, when Democrats spotted Republican member Frank Padavan walking through the rear of the chamber, they seized on the moment, claiming a quorum, and started ramming through legislation, which the Republicans say was illegal.

Padavan says he was just taking a shortcut for a cup of coffee.

Imagine West Side Story meets Duck Soup, with the Marx Brothers playing the Sharks and Jets, using whoopee cushions instead of switchblades, and you get the general idea. With the backing of a court order, Governor Paterson is trying to force all 62 members into the chamber for daily “extraordinary” sessions at which he hopes a deal can be cut that will get the Senate up and running again. He says he’ll keep them coming right through the Fourth of July weekend. Some are refusing to attend. Watch this space.

Because, despite all the foolishness, as in California, this is serious stuff with potentially dire consequences. As The New York Times reports, June 30 “was the expiration date of more than a dozen statutes that authorize local governments to carry out their everyday duties, from planning budgets to collecting taxes. And as Democrats and Republicans in the Senate continued… to argue fruitlessly over who controlled the chamber, officials around the state were left to ponder contingency plans that they never thought they would need.”

What’s also infuriating is the way certain enabled individuals consciously are helping stymie any possible breakthrough. In California, it’s Governor Schwarzenegger, whose veto threats, blocking of short-term loans, and refusal to raise any tax or virtually any fee have thrown additional wooden shoes into the works. In New York, it’s not the governor, who has tried to break gridlock but whose efficacy is virtually nil and popularity is south of “get lost.” It’s upstate billionaire businessman Tom Golisano, a gadfly who, according to the Times, helped broker the defection of the two NY Senate Democrats that precipitated the current mess. Apparently, he did so out of pique over proposed tax hikes on the wealthy.

It’s all a nasty game that puts cronyism, partisan bickering, and corrupt, despicable self-interest above the needs of increasingly desperate citizens. Especially abhorrent as we celebrate the country’s independence and commemorate that long ago struggle against abuses of power.

At least Brooklyn Democratic Senator John Sampson, when asked this week if he was embarrassed about the situation, had the grace to reply, “Embarrassed? That’s an understatement. We’re ashamed.” ++

Genius in the Bottle
MAUREEN DOWD, NYT
June 27, 2009

As in all great affairs, Mark Sanford fell in love simultaneously with a woman and himself — with the dashing new version of himself he saw in her molten eyes.

In a weepy, gothic unraveling, the South Carolina governor gave a press conference illustrating how smitten he was, not only with his Argentine amante, but with his own tenderness, his own pathos and his own feminine side.

He got into trouble as a man and tried to get out as a woman.

He wanted to get his girlfriend a DVD of the movie “The Holiday,” presumably the Cameron Diaz-Kate Winslet chick flick about two women, one from L.A. and one from England, who trade homes and lives. He was fantasizing about catapulting himself into an exotic life where stimulus had nothing to do with budgets.

With Maria, he was no longer the penny-pinching millionaire Mark, who used to sleep on a futon in his Congressional office and once treated two congressmen to movie refreshments by bringing back a Coke and three straws.

No, he was someone altogether more fascinating: Marco, international man of mystery and suave god of sex and tango.

Mark was the self-righteous, Bible-thumping prig who pressed for Bill Clinton’s impeachment; Marco was the un-self-conscious Lothario, canoodling with Maria in Buenos Aires, throwing caution to the e-wind about their “soul-mate feel,” her tan lines, her curves, “the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light.”

Mark is a conservative railing against sinners; Marco sins liberally. Mark opposes gay marriage as a threat to traditional marriage. Marco thinks nothing of risking his own traditional marriage, and celebrates transgressive relationships. He frets to Maria in e-mail that he sounds “like the Thornbirds — wherein I was always upset with Richard Chamberlain for not dropping his ambitions and running into Maggie’s arms.”

Marco, the libertine, wonders how they will ever “put the Genie back in the bottle.” And in the sort of Freudian slip that any solipsistic pol like Mark would adore, Maria protests in Spanglish: “I don’t want to put the genius back in the bottle.”

Mark is so frugal for the taxpayers that he made his staffers use both sides of Post-it notes and index cards, and once brought two (defecating) pigs named “Pork” and “Barrel” into the statehouse to express his disgust with lawmakers’ pet spending projects.

Marco is a sly scamp who found a sneaky way to make South Carolina taxpayers pay for a south-of-the-border romp with his mistress.

Mark is so selfish he tried to enhance his presidential chances by resisting South Carolina’s share of President Obama’s $787 billion stimulus package, callously giving the back of his hand to the suffering state’s most vulnerable — the jobless and poor and black students.

Marco is generous, promising to send a memento of affection that Maria wants to keep by her bed.

Mark hates lying. As he said of Bill’s dalliance with Monica, “If you undermine trust in our system, you undermine everything.”

Marco lies with brio, misleading his family, his lieutenant governor, his staff and his state about his whereabouts, even packing camping equipment to throw off the scent from South America. He told whoppers to his wife, a former investment banker who managed his campaigns and raises his four sons (solo on Father’s Day). She put out a statement quoting Psalm 127 to snidely remind her besotted husband “that sons are a gift from the Lord.”

Jenny Sanford told The Associated Press on Friday that Mark had told her he needed time to be alone and write, so she was stunned to learn he was in Argentina on a “Roman Holiday.” Before he left to “write,” she warned him not to skip off to the other woman.

Mark, who disdains rascals, agreed that he wouldn’t. Marco, who is a rascal, skipped off.

Mark went back to work on Friday, giving his cabinet a lecture on personal responsibility and comparing himself to King David, who “fell mightily … in very, very significant ways but then picked up the pieces and built from there.”

Actually, the one thing David didn’t do after his adulterous fall was build, because he was forbidden by God to construct his dream temple in Jerusalem.

Sanford should give his piety a rest. He told his cabinet that the Psalms taught him humility. (There’s a chance that a younger Argentine boyfriend of Maria’s also taught him humility, by jealously hacking into her e-mail account and leaking the governor’s missives.)

Sanford can be truly humble only if he stops dictating to others, who also have desires and weaknesses, how to behave in their private lives.

The Republican Party will never revive itself until its sanctimonious pantheon — Sanford, Gingrich, Limbaugh, Palin, Ensign, Vitter and hypocrites yet to be exposed — stop being two-faced. ++

UnitedHealth to Enter Funeral Parlor Industry
JamesPB, Smirking Chimp
July 2, 2009

Tampa, FL - UnitedHealth to Enter Funeral Parlor Industry

UnitedHealth announced today that it has made a hostile bid to take over SBC Funeral Services, the nation’s largest funeral services company for $20 billion.

A United spokesman, Murray Langdon said, “our goal is horizontal integration”.

The spokesman for United elaborated, “we’ve been working on this deal for a long time. We want to extend our healthcare services to not only the sick and the dying but also to those that are less fortunate—-the dead”.

Murray Langdon, United RP spokesman continued, “it’s a perfect fit for UnitedHealth. It will complete our mission statement of being an all-purpose, comprehensive healthcare provider. Not only will Americans be able to have their healthcare insurance through United but should an individual have a pre-existing condition and not be able to get the treatment they need to survive they will be able to rely on United to provide them with the most appropriate funeral arrangements for their needs.”

“It’s all about choice, Mr. Langdon proclaimed, “whether you are dead or alive, you should have the right to choose what doctors you want, what hospitals you want, and what casket you want.”

“Since UnitedHealth has a direct hand in making life and death decisions for you and your doctor there is no reason why you shouldn’t have the same faith in us to make the same efficient and patient-based decisions regarding your death and your burial”.

Generally, UnitedHealth will take care of all the details surrounding your death in the hospital, where we will make sure you have no unnecessary costly tests that may inadvertently save your life. Once you are dead, United will take care of your autopsy needs, the transport of your body from hospital bed to hospital morgue and then off to a fully staffed UnitedHealth funeral parlor.

You may select from an “in-network” funeral parlor at a reduced cost in one of our PFPO (Preferred Funeral Parlor Options) policies, or you will have the full choice to go “out-of-network” for a minor astronomical fee. The choice is yours, assured Murray Langdon, for United.

With your autopsy results your will also receive a “Certificate of Authenticity” stating whether you died from a “pre-existing condition” that was not covered, or from a disease on United’s list of medical conditions that are not covered under your policy, or from one of the many limitations that we have on your coverage that can result in your death. It will all be laid-out for you, as you yourself are laid-out by UnitedHealth Funeral Services.

Your “Certificate of Authenticity” will be signed by the CEO of UnitedHealth as well as by the doctor who was denied the most in reimbursements; and please be aware that we at the United team appreciate your contribution to cutting costs when it comes to your healthcare. Every dollar saved after all, is a dollar that can be spent on shareholder dividends, stock options for our Executive Staff, bonuses for our CEO, and other worthy causes for which United is well known.

We at United realize that it is difficult to go from a person who is in perfect health to a person who is dead, and once again our mission is to make that wonderful journey not only your last journey but also one of the most enjoyable and memorable.

Remember. When you are down——–you can count on UnitedHealth.

In today’s ever changing healthcare landscape there is no reason to be uncovered once you are dead. At UnitedHealth we always stress that life may be fleeting, but being dead is forever. Therefore, United wants to be your provider from birth to death.

When you are born, UnitedHealth no doubt assured you that you and your mother spent a comfortable twelve hours in the hospital (24 hours for births with major complications), so there is no reason to look elsewhere for your lifetime health needs.

Throughout your life, whatever your medical needs; whether you have hemorrhoids, chronic diabetes, asthma, AID’s, the common cold, a sexually transmitted disease, or simply end-stage terminal cancer, UnitedHealth will help you through the various appeals processes and denials of coverage so that you will fully understand the comprehensive benefits that UnitedHealth has to offer.

Millions of people rely on UnitedHealth for not only destroying their health but also for destroying their financial life and their retirement. We have specialists that can help you through all the ins-and-outs of filing for bankruptcy due to overwhelming medical expenses.

We at UnitedHealth are the experts that the experts turn to when it comes to bilking the American public and milking each and every policyholder of everything they are worth.

Our motto is, “if you have a dime, we want it”.

Don’t confuse us with Untied Airways, the company that flies people in the air. We are UnitedHealth, the company that flies people into the ground.

In your time of need we will be there to help desert you so that you can find peace and happiness in a world where your doctors, the hospital, and especially we here at United want nothing to do with you. You can count on us for that. We will be there.

With the advent of more and more choices and the possibility of a “public health option” it is more important than ever to realize that the best healthcare option is often the most expensive. That’s us. We at United are dedicated to providing you with the most expensive care that money can buy—-at the least cost to us. Our team will always be there to assist you in that endeavor.

Doctors are well aware of United’s efforts to keep costs down as we try each and every year to reimburse doctors less and less and put that money to good use by distrubuting it to our CEO, Executive Staff, and shareholders (who for the most part are the CEO and Executive Staff). Often we will engage in insider-trading for the benefit of maximizing profits so we can better serve our policyholders.

Do not be fooled by a “public health option” or some sinister, Socialist concept like single payer universal healthcare. They may be free but they can’t deny you the coverage that we can deny you.

And with a “public health option” you will have to go to any doctor in the nation that you want, any hospital in the nation, and will be allowed to go out-of-Sate for your treatment. All those choices can be detrimental to your health.

Here at UnitedHealth we can be assured that your choices will be limited and that we will steer you to an unlimited number of doctors at a hospital in your neighborhood. At UnitedHealth we are family and we will never force you, and never let you, be treated by any doctor or hospital that is not part of our “family”.

Getting back to your death, again, the United team will be there for you. Whether you choose a Mahogany Rich Casket, or a casket from our line of Cheerywood Elite Caskets, you can always count on us to bilk you and your family of any remaining funds you may have.

With a Premium Death and Funeral Policy that has a $12,000 deductible (which only costs $298 a month) you can be assured that you will have the privilege of paying the first $12,000, and that United will pay for everything over that amount.

Plus, at United you will always have “choices”. You can choose our special embalming services if you want to look your best at your wake. We also have a full time cosmetologist, a hair stylist, and a fashion expert at all our funeral parlors. Your body will be well cared for and you can look your best and be in tip-top shape for the viewing by your loved ones.

We also have a Fitness Director to get your body in shape after our autopsy but before your big day at UnitedHealth Funeral Parlors. And if you want to be laid-out in a Yoga position, sitting up, ramrod straight, looking sharp, crisp and spiffy, we have a Certified Yoga Expert on call at all our funeral parlors (check your policy as the Yoga Option is not permitted in all States including CT, NV, NY, AL, SC, and FU).

If you choose to guarantee that you stay under the deductible so you can keep costs down you can also opt for the “budget option” and be thrown in your casket, stark naked without the “embalming option”.

Your friends, relatives and loved ones will be able to view your body in its “natural state” and we will provide adequate and appropriate foliage, flowers, leaves and twigs to discreetly cover that “certain part of the male body”, or the female body for that matter.

For our female dead clients our hair stylist will work with you before you die in the hospital and determine whether you wish to display the Brazilian cut, the square cut, or the Telly Savalis look on your pubic area, on those special parts of your body. No detail is too small for United to care about.

Remember, if you are dead, the United team cares.

Our goal is to make sure your entire journey through life is healthy and cost free for us. If that is not possible then United will try to speed life along so that you don’t lead an unhealthy, costly life, and that you don’t linger for many decades trying to fight off the inevitable.

Remember, after your birth the next big event in your life will be your death.

When you think of death, think of UnitedHealth.

Call us when you get the bad news about your health. If you are already a policy holder we will be glad to get you into our appeals process or our litigation pool, or we might be able to help by dropping you as a policyholder entirely.

If you are not a current policyholder but would like to be, call a United Team Rep, who will be more than happy to explain that you have a pre-existing condition and are therefore not eligible for coverage; or perhaps we can arrange to cover other parts of your body that do not have a pre-existing condition. If you have cancer of the lungs there is no reason that UnitedHealth can’t insure your feet or your elbows. We have choices and options.

Give UnitedHealth a call today, whether you are alive, dying, or even dead. ++

“I’m asking you to believe. Not just in my ability to bring about real change in Washington … I’m asking you to believe in yours.”
~ Barack Obama

In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this material is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes.

Entry Filed under: Political Waves