TW3

August 1st, 2007

That Was The Week That Was … I dunno, a little off, seems like … the quotes below seem past egocentric and well into the WTF?? category.

Or … maybe it’s just me.

Jude

HARPERS WEEKLY REVIEW

Iraqis took to the streets after the national soccer team
beat Saudi Arabia 1-0 in the Asian Cup championship. At
least four people were killed by “happy fire” in the midst
of what were reported to be the largest spontaneous
celebrations in Iraq since the fall of Saddam
Hussein. “Sport brings us together while the heads of
everything in Baghdad can’t bring us together for five
years,” said one reveler. “If the Iraqi football team
ruled us, peace would spread in our home.” Each member of
the Lions of the Two Rivers will receive $10,000 from the
government, but a decision about whether to allot players
their own 400-square-meter plots of land has been put off
until September. Russian President Vladimir Putin accused
Britain of “colonial thinking” for demanding the
extradition of Andrei Lugovoi, who is suspected of
murdering former KGB agent Alexander Litvinenko, and
Bulgarian medics who allegedly infected 426 Libyan
children with HIV were pardoned and released by their home
government. Serbians awaiting a U.N. Security Council
decision on Kosovar independence told reporters they no
longer cared whether Serbia retained the disputed
province. “Kosovo means absolutely nothing to me; I have
never been there and I never will go there,” said
38-year-old anthropologist Jelena Simovic. “I am fed up
with Kosovo. I just want to live normally.” A spokesman
said that special international envoy Tony Blair would
spend his first official trip to Israel, dubbed “Mission
Impossible,” in “listening mode,” and an Israeli study
concluding that hummus stimulates serotonin production
bolstered sentiment that eating the popular chickpea dip
could help Israelis and Palestinians reconcile.

YouTube and CNN co-hosted a debate for the Democratic
presidential candidates at The Citadel in South
Carolina. After a YouTuber asked the candidates to say
something they liked and something they disliked about the
candidate to their left, John Edwards said that he
approved of Hillary Clinton’s record of national service,
but perhaps not her salmon-colored jacket. Additional
questions came from a Viking, a five-year-old, a snowman,
and a man in a chicken costume. Presidential hopeful Mitt
Romney described Hillary Clinton’s economic plan as “out
with Adam Smith and in with Karl Marx” and letters written
by Senator Clinton during her undergraduate years at
Wellesley College were made public. One described her
childhood sense of being the only person in the
universe. “I’d play out in the patch of sunlight that
broke the density of the elms in front of our house,”
wrote the 19-year-old Clinton, “and pretend there were
heavenly movie cameras watching my every move.” A
Washington, D.C., newspaper ranked House Speaker Nancy
Pelosi number four on a list of the “50 Most Beautiful
People on Capitol Hill.” Other honorees included
congressional aides, a Washington Redskins cheerleader,
and a police officer. Dick Cheney’s biographer revealed
that the vice president once considered his future post a
“cruddy job.”

President George W. Bush delivered a speech intended as a
“surge of facts” to refute claims that Al Qaeda in
Mesopotamia is not connected to Osama bin Laden, and
Attorney General Alberto Gonzales testified that no one in
the Bush Administration had voiced objections to the NSA’s
wiretapping program. FBI director Robert Mueller testified
that the surveillance program was “much discussed” by
other officials, and Senate Judiciary chair Patrick Leahy
of Vermont sent Mr. Gonzales a transcript of his testimony
and asked him to “mark any changes you wish to make to
correct, clarify, or supplement your answers so that,
consistent with your oath, they are the whole truth.” The
publisher of Weekly World News announced that the
publication would end its 28-year print run next month,
and a men-versus-machine poker match showed humans to be
the superior bluffers. Law-enforcement agents issued decks
of playing cards featuring missing-persons cases to
Florida convicts, a prisoner in Ft. Lauderdale was
convicted of indecent exposure for masturbating in his
cell, and Wisconsin inmates brawled over Woody Allen’s
marriage to Sun Yi Previn. Ingmar Bergman died. Two
Wisconsinites who had locked a seven-year-old boy in his
room while they watched a Green Bay Packers game were each
sentenced to several months in jail. The couple claimed to
have left the boy peanut butter and jelly, bread, and a
bucket for a toilet. “What do you do?” the defense
attorney asked the judge. “Maybe this coming football
season,” he continued, “lock them in a room with a bucket
and make them watch Bears games.” A blonde woman wearing
only stilettos and a gold bracelet bought a pack of
cigarettes at a German gas station before climbing back
into the passenger seat of a waiting Ferrari. A
70-year-old British grandmother was convicted in the honor
killing of her son’s estranged wife, and a Rhode Island
cat was reported to have received a wall plaque for his
“compassionate hospice care” in predicting the deaths of
two dozen residents of a nursing home. According to staff
members, when Oscar curls up next to someone, that patient
has less than four hours to live. Indonesian lawmakers
discussed implanting microchip tracking devices in HIV
patients, and scientists said that obesity can spread like
a virus among friends. Fast-growing supermassive black
holes fed like piranhas on cosmic gases, a panel found
that NASA had allowed astronauts to fly drunk, and a crew
member at the International Space Station tossed half a
ton of garbage into orbit. “Jettison!” cried the
astronaut. “Our spaceship earth is a beautiful place.”

– Miriam Markowitz
http://harpers.org/archive/2007/07/WeeklyReview2007-07-31

“So keep fightin’ for freedom and justice, beloveds, but don’t you forget to have fun doin’ it. Lord, let your laughter ring forth. Be outrageous, ridicule the fraidy-cats, rejoice in all the oddities that freedom can produce. And when you get through kickin’ ass and celebratin’ the sheer joy of a good fight, be sure to tell those who come after how much fun it was.”
~ Molly Ivins, 1944 - 2007

In accordance with Title 17 U.S.C. Section 107, this material is distributed without profit to those who have expressed a prior interest in receiving the included information for research and educational purposes.

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